If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
