I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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