Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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