and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
