I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
