Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
