you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize