oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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