So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
