I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
