fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
