i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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