My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
