alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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