the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
