there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
