hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
