Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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