New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry my hands just texted you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
