dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
