you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
