Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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