another moral hangover. fuck.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
