Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
