I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
