guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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