Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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