Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
