he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
