Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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