He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
