i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
