He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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