It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize