You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
