I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
