my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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