I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
