Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
