I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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