he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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