I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
