Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
