I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
