just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
