I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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