When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
