First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
