Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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