I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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