Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize