he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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