Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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