thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
