Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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