She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she pinky promised me she was 18
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
