i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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