you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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