i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
