She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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