I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
