I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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